The Change Behind Change

     I'm 8.5 weeks into my first coached fatloss program, and I'm very excited by my changing body and improved fitness levels. I'm harder, tighter, and stronger than I've ever been in my life. Even my sometimes-critical mom notices, she and my father saw me for the first time in 6 weeks last weekend and both kept calling me "skinny".

     (That actually stuck in my craw a little, I'm by NO MEANS skinny, and I kept having my mom poke parts of me to see they were in fact muscularly hard, not skinnyfat. I realized they just didn't have the vocabulary to describe my changing physique accurately, so used "skinny" instead of lean, svelte, cut, whatever.) I told my mom, proudly, "I haven't been this size since Junior High!" She responded, "Sarah, I don't know if you were ever this size. You certainly weren't this SHAPE." Which was intended as a compliment about how I look now, not a dig at how I looked then. (See, sometimes I AM capable of reading intent, not just responding to the words that were said. Sensitivity. I'm learning it.)

     Apart from the changes I'm seeing in my own body, I'm beginning to notice the positives in my own plan (again, thanks to the expertise of Robin Romero and Prissy Sassy Fitness) compared with the circular thinking and results of my previous weight-loss attempts. 

Here's me, pre-weight loss. Approximately 180lbs, on the right, there. 

What I was doing wrong:

Skipping meals to "save calories"

Avoiding "carbs" in the form of grains, and starches like potato

Cardio Guilt: If I ate something "bad" I'd do "extra cardio" to "burn it off"

Not being consistent, I'd stick to something for a week, MAYBE two, before returning to previous habits.

Never kicked alcohol to the curb. 

Weekend Setbacks: I'd be on-plan all week, Monday-Friday, then Friday night through Sunday night it was a free-for-all. Not a cheat meal, not a cheat day, a FREE FOR ALL weekend, which would more than undo any dietary progress I'd made during the week.

     Even when I was lifting heavy and exercising like a maniac (on Jamie Eason's Live Fit Trainer) I didn't lose fat consistently because of the above failures. Now, keep in mind, any exercise, any heavy lifting, those are steps forward. A very out of shape person can lose weight by making small tweaks in their diet or exercise levels. I, however, was at a point where I was cardiovascularly fit, and just was carrying around fat because I was eating wrong to lose it.

What I'm doing right, with guidance:

1.) Eating more small meals throughout the day. 

There is much debate in the diet/bodybuilding world as to whether this makes any difference in metabolism, as claimed by some. I don't know if it does or not, what it does for me is keeps me eating specific foods in specific amounts throughout the day, which staves off hunger and cravings, and stops me from being too hungry leading to a BINGE.

2.) Drinking a gallon of water or more per day.

Drinking water helps you lose fat. Period. Do it. You're made up of water. So are your muscles. WATER, just do it.

3.) I'm sticking to the meal plan. 

Sometimes I get one cheat meal a week. I'm not deviating from what I'm told to do, and I've been doing it for over 8 weeks. This has gotten me results. Consistency. Continual consistency gets results.

4.) Moderate cardio, heavy lifting.

When I say heavy lifting, I don't mean picking up your 7 year old kid during a tantrum. I mean 5+ days a week in a gym, lifting enough weight that by my 10th rep whatever body part is trembling with exertion and is almost unable to maintain form. It's a joy to finish a set of hip thrusters and feel my glute muscles scream in agony. THIS is what is meant by pain=progress.

     Seriously, that's about it. And knowing all this, seeing the differences in my body, it is really beginning to drive me batsh*t when I see friends doing the same circular failings I did when I didn't know any better. All those literal YEARS of dieting or deprivation, for NOTHING. It was so frustrating, to put forth all this effort and sacrifice for weeks on end, only to return to the former state, former weight, and not understand why permanent change wasn't happening for me. I'd explain it away with genetics, with "set weight point", any other myth I chose to believe to justify my stagnation. 

     If you're trying to lose weight, or lose fat, and you're doing it for the x-teenth time and experiencing the same issues you have in the past, TRY SOMETHING NEW. Don't perpetuate the cycle that leads to failure, TRY SOMETHING NEW. 

<Something new? Change. Over on the left, top, is my body 8 and 7 weeks ago. On the bottom is my body as of last Saturday (and a couple weeks back in the jeans. Yes, that is the same pair of jeans worn in both photos.) My body is changing. I'm not using tricks, photoshop, or anything else. These pics can also be seen on my Sarah4fitness profile on bodybuilding dot com, or facebook.>

    

   There is a LOT of misinformation out there, from fad diets (that includes you, Dr. Atkins, CARBS AREN'T THE DEVIL) to gimmicks (can you say pregnancy hormone starvation diet?), to seriously destructive methods of calorie counting like the damn My Fitness Pal app, which teaches you to obsess over the calorie count, and guesstimate what you're burning, and then to EAT MORE to "fill in" the calorie deficit.... NO NO NO. Such a detrimental app in the hands of someone who hasn't been fully educated on what EXACTLY your body really needs to lose fat. 

     Anyway, I'm trying hard not to preach. I'm trying hard not to poke people I see on Facebook or in my real life who keep hopping on the weight-loss carousel for a ride, rather than hopping OFF it in favor of a life change. I just continue on my own path, quietly (for the most part) hoping that when others are ready for true fat loss success, that they'll ask me how I did it, so I can direct them to help. Or hey, if they wait a little longer, until I'm certified as a trainer myself, so I can help them directly. Everyone deserves to have the body they want, and everyone can have it. They need the right tools.

Naught to do with fitness. Just about me.

     What is strength? It is a quality I value. Physically and emotionally, I value strength. My own, and in others. At the same time, my striving towards physical strength is to ensure my emotional strength. Being physically strong buttresses my emotional strength, by allowing the focus of myself and others to be on my physical person, not on who I am deeper inside.
     Emotional strength is relative. One human is not emotionally stronger than another. Like physical alterations, one shouldn't compare one's emotional landscape to anther's, because each person's experiences are unique, and how they feel and grow from each experience differs. One person's grief can be infinite to that person, whereas another might feel little for the same cause.

     I vividly remember being 11 or so, stroking the cat I'd grown up with as the veterinarian slid the needle under his skin that ended his life. I remember tears on my mother's face, and I remember a feeling like something between my lungs and my stomach was hollow, and yet tearing in two, from which echoing sobs seemed to burst. My pain in that moment was infinite, the deepest I'd felt in my young life.
     It is that feeling I attribute to every child who wonders when Mittens will come home, when I see a dead cat on the freeway. I ache for the loss of the innocent animal, the moments they lost they could have had upon the earth, and I grieve for the pain of the child I imagine they left behind, to feel their loss and miss their moments.

A secret about Sarah:
     I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive as HELL. This is a secret few know, because I've spent years building up my defenses. Even so, the death of, or suffering of an animal breaks me down to a puddle of tears. Those save-the-animal commercials, puppies and cats looking miserably into the camera, behind bars or in cages can reduce me to a quivering mess.

     It is the plight of the voiceless that breaks my heart. Animals can't cry out. They can't speak out. They have no way to express their pain, their grief, their hurt caused by humans.

     It is the cruelty and callousness of humans who aren't affected by the vulnerability of the creatures who cannot speak for themselves that I cannot understand. Animals are the ultimate innocent, they are blameless in their actions, as they act only per their instincts and per the training given to them by humans. It is my instinct to protect the innocent, and my inability to do so for the multitude of animals in shelters, in nature, and in homes that suffer from abuse, neglect, and detriment caused by humans that breaks my heart to a point that I am completely useless for myself, any moment I allow myself to acknowledge them. The suffering of the voiceless renders me immobile, able only to grieve and to detest the actions of humans overall. Being made aware of institutionalized cruelty and suffering of shelter animals rendered me useless and nearly immobile yesterday, wanting only to wrap myself up in a blanket and cry in hiding, shedding useless tears for the creatures deserving of acknowledgement.

     This empathy used to extend to moments of human suffering as well, I believe the emotional suffering of a moment can be infinite for the sufferer. In order to operate on a daily basis I have learned to close my awareness to these things, to turn my eyes and head from images of suffering beyond my control and ability to mitigate. Callousness and emotional fortitude are garments in which I clothe and protect myself. Hence, few know I'm sensitive. But I am, and the the innocent and voiceless, the blameless, continue to wrench my heart whenever brought to my attention. My comfort lies in the minute actions I take as often as possible to improve, enrich, or give pleasure or happiness to an animal. I used to gain fortitude from doing all I could to ensure the rights and needs of juveniles within the justice system were met, and I think that loss is what I regret most about no longer working in my previous position. Anyone who's bothered to read thus far may already know this about me. Congratulations if you've read this far, and are now party to my secret. I'm not hard, I'm not cold, I'm a geode, the spark inside hidden to blend in and withstand the pressures of the normal world.
    That spark was lit, recently, by realizing the imminent mortality of my husband's cat, as he grows weaker, thinner, and older. That, combined with an article against PETA, illuminating instances of neglect and willful extermination where mercy and opportunity could have prevented the waste of lives, rendered me useless yesterday. My physical life was derailed by my emotional weakness. I ate off diet. I skipped a workout. Was I doing anything productive in those moments? No. I wandered, I sat idle, I wallowed. I have learned, on the whole, to compartmentalize this particular key to vulnerability, so I can function, but yesterday heart won out. A new day dawned, my determination returned. Back on diet, and now writing as catharsis to work out the heartache that was allowed to surface.

     Working out is my stress relief. It is a physical relief that is an outlet for the emotional or mental stressors in my life. The side effect of increased strength and physical improvement is just the bonus to me. There is more to life than strength. There is more to me than my exterior. If I can, in my life, comfort or enrich the lives of others, particularly the innocent and voiceless, then I believe I've done well.   My strength, emotional and physical, acts as an insulating blanket, guarding my own vulnerability from feeling the hollow tearing of grief. I hope that my potential growth in the fitness industry may lend me increased ability to strengthen and improve the lives of other innocents, animal and human, through my example, my teaching, or my personal touch.
     Everyone has different reasons for their fitness journey, as everyone has individual trials and triggers that touch their heart. What is the reason for your journey? What touches your heart? What motivates you to run, to lift, to move, to get out of bed in the morning? What has the power to render you helpless? And how do you bounce back? Knowing your own strengths and weaknesses is a strength in and of itself, and self-awareness is key to improvement in your own life.