What is strength? It is a quality I value. Physically and emotionally, I value strength. My own, and in others. At the same time, my striving towards physical strength is to ensure my emotional strength. Being physically strong buttresses my emotional strength, by allowing the focus of myself and others to be on my physical person, not on who I am deeper inside.
Emotional strength is relative. One human is not emotionally stronger than another. Like physical alterations, one shouldn't compare one's emotional landscape to anther's, because each person's experiences are unique, and how they feel and grow from each experience differs. One person's grief can be infinite to that person, whereas another might feel little for the same cause.
I vividly remember being 11 or so, stroking the cat I'd grown up with as the veterinarian slid the needle under his skin that ended his life. I remember tears on my mother's face, and I remember a feeling like something between my lungs and my stomach was hollow, and yet tearing in two, from which echoing sobs seemed to burst. My pain in that moment was infinite, the deepest I'd felt in my young life.
It is that feeling I attribute to every child who wonders when Mittens will come home, when I see a dead cat on the freeway. I ache for the loss of the innocent animal, the moments they lost they could have had upon the earth, and I grieve for the pain of the child I imagine they left behind, to feel their loss and miss their moments.
A secret about Sarah:
I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive as HELL. This is a secret few know, because I've spent years building up my defenses. Even so, the death of, or suffering of an animal breaks me down to a puddle of tears. Those save-the-animal commercials, puppies and cats looking miserably into the camera, behind bars or in cages can reduce me to a quivering mess.
It is the plight of the voiceless that breaks my heart. Animals can't cry out. They can't speak out. They have no way to express their pain, their grief, their hurt caused by humans.
It is the cruelty and callousness of humans who aren't affected by the vulnerability of the creatures who cannot speak for themselves that I cannot understand. Animals are the ultimate innocent, they are blameless in their actions, as they act only per their instincts and per the training given to them by humans. It is my instinct to protect the innocent, and my inability to do so for the multitude of animals in shelters, in nature, and in homes that suffer from abuse, neglect, and detriment caused by humans that breaks my heart to a point that I am completely useless for myself, any moment I allow myself to acknowledge them. The suffering of the voiceless renders me immobile, able only to grieve and to detest the actions of humans overall. Being made aware of institutionalized cruelty and suffering of shelter animals rendered me useless and nearly immobile yesterday, wanting only to wrap myself up in a blanket and cry in hiding, shedding useless tears for the creatures deserving of acknowledgement.
This empathy used to extend to moments of human suffering as well, I believe the emotional suffering of a moment can be infinite for the sufferer. In order to operate on a daily basis I have learned to close my awareness to these things, to turn my eyes and head from images of suffering beyond my control and ability to mitigate. Callousness and emotional fortitude are garments in which I clothe and protect myself. Hence, few know I'm sensitive. But I am, and the the innocent and voiceless, the blameless, continue to wrench my heart whenever brought to my attention. My comfort lies in the minute actions I take as often as possible to improve, enrich, or give pleasure or happiness to an animal. I used to gain fortitude from doing all I could to ensure the rights and needs of juveniles within the justice system were met, and I think that loss is what I regret most about no longer working in my previous position. Anyone who's bothered to read thus far may already know this about me. Congratulations if you've read this far, and are now party to my secret. I'm not hard, I'm not cold, I'm a geode, the spark inside hidden to blend in and withstand the pressures of the normal world.
That spark was lit, recently, by realizing the imminent mortality of my husband's cat, as he grows weaker, thinner, and older. That, combined with an article against PETA, illuminating instances of neglect and willful extermination where mercy and opportunity could have prevented the waste of lives, rendered me useless yesterday. My physical life was derailed by my emotional weakness. I ate off diet. I skipped a workout. Was I doing anything productive in those moments? No. I wandered, I sat idle, I wallowed. I have learned, on the whole, to compartmentalize this particular key to vulnerability, so I can function, but yesterday heart won out. A new day dawned, my determination returned. Back on diet, and now writing as catharsis to work out the heartache that was allowed to surface.
Working out is my stress relief. It is a physical relief that is an outlet for the emotional or mental stressors in my life. The side effect of increased strength and physical improvement is just the bonus to me. There is more to life than strength. There is more to me than my exterior. If I can, in my life, comfort or enrich the lives of others, particularly the innocent and voiceless, then I believe I've done well. My strength, emotional and physical, acts as an insulating blanket, guarding my own vulnerability from feeling the hollow tearing of grief. I hope that my potential growth in the fitness industry may lend me increased ability to strengthen and improve the lives of other innocents, animal and human, through my example, my teaching, or my personal touch.
Everyone has different reasons for their fitness journey, as everyone has individual trials and triggers that touch their heart. What is the reason for your journey? What touches your heart? What motivates you to run, to lift, to move, to get out of bed in the morning? What has the power to render you helpless? And how do you bounce back? Knowing your own strengths and weaknesses is a strength in and of itself, and self-awareness is key to improvement in your own life.
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